Nicole Byer hosts the Netflix baking competition show *Nailed It!* and the podcast *Why Won’t You Date Me*. She’s a comedian, writer, actress, and an absolute treat to listen to. She’s here to share her love of Celine Dion, her worst experience on an airplane, and so much more.
Nicole Byer hosts the Netflix baking competition show Nailed It! and the podcast Why Won’t You Date Me. She’s a comedian, writer, actress, and an absolute treat to listen to. She’s here to share her love of Celine Dion, her worst experience on an airplane, and so much more.
[Music]
Catherine: Welcome to I Hate Talking About Myself. Is it your first episode? Your second? Are you fully mid-binge? Are you exhausted? Do you need a snack? Do you need some water? Well, don’t worry, babe, because our next guest is a real treat. On this podcast, we get the stars of Netflix series and films to interview themselves by pulling questions out of a fish bowl. Like Nicole Byer. She hosts the Netflix baking competition show, Nailed It! And the podcast, Why Won’t You Date Me? And now, she’s going to talk about herself on this podcast. Spoiler alert. She’s a big fan of Celine Dion, but not a huge fan of flying and planes.
Nicole: Hi, I’m Nicole Byer and you know me from Nailed It! on Netflix. And I’m about to interview myself. All right.
If you got trapped with no reception and only had five songs on your phone, what would you hope they were? Celine Dion: “My Heart Will Go On”. Celine Dion: “All By Myself.” Celine Dion: “That’s the way love is.” That’s not how it goes, but that’s it. “Believe” by Cher. “Strong Enough” by Cher. That’s five. Okay.
If you were only able to eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? Bacon.
Who was the first famous person you met? Were you awkward? The first famous person I met, I think, was Whoopi Goldberg. And I don’t think I was super awkward. But I did tell her that I was enamored with her. I loved her. I’d seen her one-person show, Whoopi, which was doing a revival on Broadway. And it’s the reason why I want to act. She’s amazing. And it was raining. And it's a pretty good picture.
Okay. What piece of art can you not stop thinking about? Book, painting, podcast, song. Um… I mean, I really think about “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion a lot because it’s a masterpiece. And apparently, she didn’t like the song at first and it’s a one take. So, Celine, she amazing.
Celine: I’m the big deal.
Nicole: What’s the most random fact or weirdest piece of history you know? The thing that makes a lightbulb light up is called filament. And I might be wrong.
What’s the most memorable prank you’ve pulled off or has been pulled on you? My friend, my best, best, best, best, best friend came to my job. And she was like, “Hey, sit down.” And I was like, “I’m already sitting.” And she goes, “I don’t know how to tell you this.” And I was like, “What happened?” She was like, “I’m pregnant.” And I said, ‘Okay. Well, I’ll take you to a clinic. I will take you to a doctor, whatever you need, I will do it for you.’ And then she was like, “April Fools.” And I was livid! It was awful. I was so upset. And then she was like, “I’ve never seen you be so calm.” And I was like, “Well, it’s delicate.”
Okay. When was the first time you saw a piece of yourself reflected on screen? So, like, I grew up at a time where there was tons of black people on TV. So, Queen Latifah on Living Single, Kim Coles on Living Single, Monique on The Parkers. There was just a ton of confident black women who were very funny growing up. Whoopi Goldberg also was like, an interesting looking black woman who I thought resembled me.
What about the future excites you? A different president.
Please do your favorite impression, even if it’s terrible. Okay. My favorite impression is Emma Stone because it makes no sense and no one would ever ask me to do it. But here’s Emma Stone: Hahaha, okay. It’s me, Emma. Emma Stone. Okay. You may know me from La La Land or Superbad. That’s also a movie that I did with Jonah. Jonah Hill. Hahaha. Yes. Emma.
Emma: Thank you so much.
Nicole: What rabbit hole did you dive down the most recently? I spent a lot of time looking at drag queens because I would love to be a drag-, I guess I kind of am a drag queen. I mean, I don’t perform in drag shows, but like, I wear a wig. I wear fake eyelashes. I wear the most makeup. I contour. And then I play a character. Well, I don’t play a character. I play a version of myself on stage when I’m doing jokes and stuff.
If someone played you in a movie, who would you want it to be? I think I would want a drag queen to play me. So, maybe Jaidynn Diore. Jaidynn-, I think her name’s Jaidynn Diore Fierce. She was on RuPaul’s Drag Race. We kind of resemble each other. Mayhem Miller. She’d have to wear a fat suit, but I think she’d be very good. Who else? Eureka, but she’d have to be in black face. And the world might not like it.
Tell us about the worst flight you ever had. I found a piece of shit in my blanket on Delta Airlines. That’s Delta Airlines. D-E-L-T-A Airlines. Delta Skylines Airlines. And… [laughs] I was on a descent and I was a tad bit chilly. So, I said, let me open up this blanket. And there was a brown crumble that fell on me. So, I opened it more. And I was like, what is this? And then there’s a brown crust holding it together. And I dropped it and I started opening it with my foot. There was a man across the aisle looking at me, so I waved at him. And then the smell hit me and there was a piece of shit in my blanket. We were on the descent. Couldn’t say anything. After the seatbelt light came off because I follow rules, only on airplanes. I went up to the flight attendant and I was like, ‘There’s shit in my blanket.’ He was like, ‘No, girl, no.’ And I was like, ‘Yes, girl, yes.’ So then he goes, he goes to my seat and he looks and says, ‘That’s a piece of shit. I’ve got to get my phone.’ I was like, that can’t be protocol. And then I had to make my connecting flight. But I was so shook. So then, I Tweeted at them. There’s receipts of this. You can find it online. Yeah. That was maybe the worst flight I’ve ever had.
[Music ends]
If you could instantly become an expert in something, what would it be? Understanding men. Understanding their thoughts, understanding their process, understanding why they won’t date me. Okay.
Have you ever used your acting skills in real life? Ooh. I was on a date with someone and I was supposed to go to a second location with them. It was like, dinner and then an activity. And I—[laughs] He smelled like a dishrag. So, I was like, I can’t go to a second location with a man who smells like a moldy dishrag. So, I like, faked a phone call from my boss. And I was like, ‘Oh, my God, I have to get this script in at 8 a.m.’ Which is like, nobody’s ever in the history of the world needed a script at 8 a.m. And then he was like, oh, well, I want to say goodbye. And I was like, no, we cannot. I have to go. You can’t suck the creativity out of me. Ugh. Ugh. Just reminiscing about that smell. He like, hugged me too hard too and I was like, ugh. Cologne. Like, why didn’t he put on cologne? It was-, like, you can’t smell—okay.
Which character have you played that you most want to get brunch with? What would you talk about? I did a sketch show where I played a nasty little like, troll of a mermaid. And she kept talking about her stink ditch. [laughs] And I think she’d be fun to have-, oh, stink ditch is a vagina. And I think she’d be fun to have brunch with because she said very vulgar things. And I, to this date, think that’s the best sketch I’ve ever been in. Lauren McGuire wrote that. She is perfect.
Have you ever seen something you can’t explain? If so, what? A lot of the things I see on the show Nailed It!
(Clip from Nailed It!)
Female: I don’t mean to laugh, but your princess is terrifying. She’s so scary looking. And I don’t think anybody’s coming to rescue her.
(Clip from Nailed It! ends)
Nicole: What does the phrase ‘guilty pleasure’ mean to you? I think it’s supposed to be like, something that you enjoy. But like, everyone else is like, ugh, gross. Why? I don’t really have guilty pleasures because I enjoy things openly. 90 Day Fiancé is my, I guess, guilty pleasure. But like, I talk about it at nauseum. I love it. Everyone is bonkers. It is the best show on television.
What’s your biggest fear? My biggest fear is like, dying in a really lame way. Like, in a Honda Civic or something. [laughs]
What piece of pop culture shaped you the most? The movie Ghost. Patrick Swayze is my everything and I think that’s what started my love of white men.
(Clip from Ghost)
Patrick: It’s amazing, Molly. The love inside, you take it with you.
(Clip from Ghost ends)
Nicole: What’s a relationship dealbreaker for you? Nothing. You can treat me like garbage and I’ll come back for more.
What’s the most adventurous thing you’ve done? I went to the airport on a date to go eat at Guy Fieri’s Burger Joint. I bought a refundable plane ticket. I paid 500 dollars for them. I made him wear a matching flame shirt. And we had a good time. [laughs]
What super power would you have, and why? I would love to move metal because then it would make parking easier.
What do you wear to bed? Nothing. I keep my pussy uncovered because that’s the healthiest way to sleep.
What’s your first extravagant purchase? A purple Michael Kors bag that I bought at the airport because I looked at my bank account and I was like, I could-, I could afford 200 dollars on a bag.
Who is your celeb crush? Nicole Byer. Please date her.
What was your first job? I worked at Joyce Leslie in Shrewsbury, New Jersey. It was a store where everything was made out of spandex.
What are the most recent emojis you used on your phone, and why? Eggplants. You know. Because I want that dick.
How can you win someone over? Sucking their dick. [laughs]
Where would you time travel to? Year and place? The fucking future. I’m not going back in the past to be abused. I’m a black.
What’s something you say you’ll do but never will? Be nice to children.
What’s the one show you watch over and over again? Queer as Folk and RuPaul’s Drag Race.
What’s the last picture you took on your phone? A selfie. I’m incredibly vain.
When’s a time in your life you made a conscious decision to not play it safe? Every fucking day. Also, when I drive. I truly think that the rules are just like, suggestions. Like, a lot of times, a stop sign should just be a yield. It’s a real thought I have.
What’s your worst fashion mistake? I once had braids that were very curly and I looked like a poodle.
What is the first food you hated, and why? I really hate mustard. It’s disgusting. Soup is also stupid. Who wants to drink food? It’s also always too hot. And let’s get real, gazpacho is ketchup.
If you could give your younger self advice, what would it be? Bitch, you’re just going to get fatter. Enjoy.
What question do you think should be added to this interview for the next interviewee? Would you date Nicole Byer? That’s the question.
Catherine: Nicole Byer. Okay. Dare I say, you nailed it? And by the way, I would love to date you. I heard Celine is coming to town so I got us tickets, babe. VIP section, backstage passes. Let’s go.
You guys want to hear more? Well, lucky for you, the entire season is available right now. Wake up. You could literally listen to all the episodes back to back to back. Don’t be afraid to let every responsibility you have fall away and just fully dive into the pod. Call in sick to work. But also, go ahead and tell your boss why. Because your boss would probably really like this podcast.
I Hate Talking About Myself is produced by Pineapple Street Media and Netflix. Our music is by Hansdel Soo and it’s hosted by me, Catherine Cohen. Now, quick, go ahead, press play on the next episode. I dare you.
[Music continues and ends]
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